Crisis is defined as a time of intense difficulty, trouble or danger.
We are here. We have been here before and I am sure we will leave this episode and meet another in our future.
Over the past couple of weeks, we have been struggling. And honestly, it’s been bad for such a long time that I didn’t even realize how terrible of a place we were in.
Our unraveling probably was me burning out as things for See have been tough for a while.
That morning, it began with Seeley’s aggression.
I am somewhat seasoned when it comes to behind bit, kick and hit but this time she was in such a place that biting my thumb was all she could do to free herself from her feelings.
She bites herself and me. It’s always hard, sometimes to the point of blood. but this time she bit so hard then a majority of my thumb nail came off.
Then she became even more irate because, “you left something hard in my mouth!”
In the hours that followed, I had to bring Seeley to her grandmas in an effort to stop the derailment of our day.
We needed to change the environment. She hasn’t been there since my mom passed away in April, so even mentioning it temporarily shifted her paradigm.
I have so much patience, my heart hurts for the struggle she endures, and I work tirelessly to find people to help her.
While Seeley was gone for the night, Billy and I stared at each other, we apologized for this not being easy, and for forgetting to give each other the necessary grace to accomplish another day.
He and I jumped up at the noises of our home, not being able to relax our nerves and responses to the things that make her upset.
We listed our favorite girls most pressing issues and talked about how severe this was all feeling. At the time, we didn’t know she was at one of her favorite places, still struggling.
The first subject on our list was the pace that See was enduring. She was changing activities every few seconds. She wasn’t capable of sitting still and beyond that, if you watched closely you could see she was trembling.
She hadn’t pooped in more than a week. Because she couldn’t, it’s not a physical issue but rather a block wall her brain placed, that she couldn’t pass.
She was taking medications that weren’t working any longer, but were still bringing those darn side effects.
We talked about her significant weight gain, no doubt from medication.
We talked about how we have tried so much when it came to sleep, and that she desperately needs relief from this piece of the struggle. We acknowledged that it was majorly affecting us as well.
In order to cope, we turned on fans and a sound machine. Silence over the past few years makes me uncomfortable, it makes me nuts rather than calm.
These are the parts of PTSD or more accurately current traumatic stress, hyper vigilance, mental fatigue and general trauma that we are dealing with.
Once the next morning came, we learned that her Grammy tried, all night long, to help, to relax her, to chat with her, to try and breakthrough. But Seeley was unreachable. There was is distraction and destruction all night, there was no sleep and Billy’s mom called out all of the things we too, knew were happening.
The news coupled with a short break, hit us like an action plan.
We needed to get this kid help. To hell with a pandemic. To hell with meds that don’t work. To hell with anyone standing in my way or giving Billy and I lip service about what they would do if the world wasn’t currently broken all over the place.
After days on the phone, and many many details that would come out like a rant, we learned no one stop shop help existed, certainly not for a five year old and for sure not during a pandemic.
It’s terribly difficult to share this stuff, painfully real and not just our story.
In the next post, I will share how we are making it through, and that has Christmas Miracle written all over it.
As an exhausted mom, I chugged coffee out of a cup with the Mr Rogers quote about finding helpers. I swirled my fallen tears into my drink, and started looking for them.
We found several.
Please stay tuned!